‘A real man’, ‘a hulk’, ‘the hero’, ‘the fighter’ – the words and phrases are numerous, sometimes there seems no end to the ideas of what men should be like.
“Always cool, calm and collected.” “Women and children, the sick and the elderly to be saved first.”
What does that do to men’s minds? To some, at least, raised with the full brunt of this concept?
That a man is to be powerful, reigns the creation, the earth, and everything in it – including women.
‘His woman’. ‘His wife’.
For centuries that was understood: A woman is her father’s and later her husband’s ‘ward’, in modern terms that was in effect the legal ruling. She did not own anything, even when she worked or inherited money.
Comfort. A fine word. It evokes all kinds of images if we come to think of it. And men so long had to be the providers. Providers of food, shelter and – comfort.
Because, this indeed can be too much: Because, indeed, this is not human!
Every human being feels lonely at times, yearns for closeness, warmth and comfort.
But men are supposed to feel and be always superhuman? Strong, knowledgeable? The last resort?
It’s not possible to always feel that way. But when no one tells them so – how would they know?
And sick minds can be born by the almost schizophrenic concept: Be kind, understanding and calm. But also be brutal and a fighter and always in control of the situation.
Schizophrenia is associated with sickness. But at the outset it means a ‘divided brain’. Thinking and feeling are at odds. And if that cannot be resolved, we find cruelty and (near) madness in deeds and – online activities…
Let’s remember that war is just a phenomenon based on this image. Based on the idea of sovereignty and wealth being the most important and most attractive traits in a man.
These are images, concepts and they are not human. We do not need images. We need human beings in this world.
War is no solution. War is not destiny. War is not inevitable. War is not in our nature.
Conflicts are. But they can be solved if we really want to.
In science you make a rule from thousands of occurrences of the same phenomenon… if it is the same. There are strict rules for creating new or even corrected rules in science. The same is true for the law, legislation and courts of law: In order to be sure of what you do or say, you have to be very careful of your facts, and your witnesses, if any.
That’s why in everyday life you meet so many people who judge often based on – almost nothing: One day, one situation, one occurrence, even a chance correlation of two events – and ‘lo and behold’ they make up a story about people, a place – or they pass judgement.
It’s easy that way: Passing judgement, on others. It makes you feel fine(r) about yourself. And you can stop worrying about your own shortcomings…
Well, it depends, of course. Because not everybody is the same.
Even the bible, a book full of wisdom, if you know how to read it, has that, already, Matthew, 7, 3:
“3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?” (King James Version)
“3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (New International Version)
There’s the idea that two events occurring at the same time can be made into a story… such as a stork flying across the sky while a baby is born… Makes it – what?
“Storks bring babies…?”
Are you quite sure…?
Image free via Ecosia filtered search, Creative commons
Images by Kev and Tumisu from Pixabay, my graphics
The ‘peeping Tom’ for generations has described aptly what I am about to deal with here: The secretly watching male, who’s too dumb for a vivid imagination and too cheap for spending money on the ‘real thing’:
The male (and female?) person who watches others using any kind of device, in the analogue days telescopes or binoculars, to catch at least glimpses of those others in ‘private states’:
Any stage of undress, close encounters of the private and loving kind they miss out on themselves so sadly…
Perhaps it is no coincidence that ‘a Tom’ is also short for a roving male cat…
It is sometimes sad, sometimes rather annoying, when you realize them being about – and often just plain ridiculous and proof of very small minds.
They are not using the – especially these days – ample means and opportunities that often are even sold cheap online; not using the human imagination based perhaps on tales or books or even movies to make their own ‘reality’…
Woody Allen let one of his characters put it nicely in his comedy “Bullets over Broadway”: ‘reality is for those who cannot make their own.’
These days I presume, with so-called – in this respect – equality of the sexes around – women might be ‘peeping’ too; but that is a guess.
Just as in former centuries (married) men used to boast about their ‘adventures’, the nice term ‘swaggering’ makes it even clearer; while women were the ‘true gentlemen’, who relished in silence, even though from necessity rather than want…
To this day, the statistics in these matters especially are hard to determine and not easily published. Not all that is loudest is the most of any kind – nor right….
The right to privacy is a human right and apart from an invasion into the privacy of those that are watched, it’s a punishable offence…
Still, to put not too fine a point to it… all those who read this and start thinking: Perhaps new ways can be found, anyway:
There are those that seem to be the natural counterpart of peeping Toms or Marys: the exhibitionists…
Knowing your fellow man – or woman. In theory it is easy: Just talk to them – or look at them and you know. Right?
Wrong.
We only understand and really recognize what we have seen before. Of course, there are universal truths. Yet, there are also differences in detail.
They depend on experience. On discretion someone may have learned in the course of a lifetime…
I for one for example have learnt to be very careful with what – or whom – I talk about. Usually, that is.
So easily people actually jump to conclusions.
In those conclusions there are just as much ‘wish(es) father to the thought’ as the quote from Shakespeare goes; as well as ideas based on often culturally or individually dependent views and perspectives involved.
So, a wolf would expect a wolf to behave like one. Yet, when there’s a sheep inside – or a fox maybe, or a hare, or a squirrel, or a bear… or a bit of all of them:
What is the conclusion then?
When we want to know about people the first order is: Patience!
Although many of us conclude about basics of another human being inside of seconds, we still should keep an open mind:
“Zum Golde drängt, am Golde hängt doch alles
ach, wir Armen.”
“Towards gold all push, all is suspended by,
oi, wey our souls.” (Gretchen, Goethe, Faust I, my translation).
It’s the quintessential phrase in regard to many people’s image of their own value, their idea of their self-esteem: “The more money I get, the higher salary I receive, the better person I am.”
I feel lucky personally not to have been raised by such standards: Our parents from early on made clear that things are like this in a system that is based on ‘capital’:
That due to the human phenomenon of a system pervading the whole of life over time, many people feel like that:
More money = more self-esteem.
But, perspective is key: If we get the chance to ask further and develop our thoughts we can rise above that rather cheap concept – and find ourselves more than the sum of our parts – or the money.
The only thing remaining and rather important, alas, is to watch out for all those that don’t – or haven’t realized this. At times I pity them for the emptiness their life must present.
But looking after ourselves and protecting us from greed and selfishness where present is still the order of the day – too.
All the happier I am when I meet with the good ones…
Image by Grand Ath Thariq Kusmara Gustav from Pixabay
“You just don’t understand!” – That’s the title of a book by a famous social sciences researcher. She writes in a manner everyone can understand about the difficulties that can arise when men and women talk to each other. It’s focused on the US-American, that is, to some extend Western society and culture.
Most of us know how different and thus difficult to understand the approaches and outlook on life can be between the sexes.
Even more so, when there are similar ideas around, living and working together, where expectations are yet different in detail.
The outlook, the perspective on life, and other people can be a crucial key to understanding each other.
There are people with a quiet and withdrawn everyday behaviour. Who think for themselves, take longer to finally speak about their thoughts; or exchange ideas.
Others rather like to talk soon to someone of like mind.
‘Like mind’: Wonderful words, in some ways.
The person who understands us without any drama or long discussions. Makes us feel welcome and at ease. Accepted. Because we understand each other easily, due to similar outlooks. Like minds.
There is yet another very interesting and yet basic difference in communication between so called high-context and low-context cultures:
“High-context” means not so much a measure of better quality – it means that in order to properly understand what is said you have to know body language.
The non-verbal messages that come with the words, the talk.
“Low-context” too, is not a measure of lower quality – it means that almost exclusively words are regarded as the whole ‘message’ of the speaker. Facial expression or gestures are almost not taken into account. At least, not knowingly.
I have seen both: People who register every tone of voice or the lifting of an eyebrow in order to ‘decode’ the message.
And those who don’t. At all.
I also know how easily we all are mistaken in judging others: The famous story of the man with the hammer by Paul Watzlawick, a leading figure in communication studies, in his even more famous book: “The situation is hopeless but not serious” is ample proof of that way we all have at times to interpret others – willy nilly:
The man decides he needs to lend a hammer from his neighbour, thinks a while, remembers all kinds of apparent recent snides and strange looks, concluding a grudge, the other is harbouring against him – when he eventually reaches the door of the neighbour’s house, rings and the neighbour opens, screams to his face: “You can well keep your hammer to yourself!”
Things can become more subtle than that, though: When we live in a close-knit community with some strict ideas on how to behave – it can happen that we become intolerant towards others.
A wonderful concept that can help a lot to more peace and peaceful coexistence:
“Tolerance”: “willingness to accept behaviour and beliefs that are different from your own, although you might not agree with or approve of them” (Cambridge Dict., online version)
What can make tolerance so difficult is the fact that we so often are raised with the silent premise of: “if you are not for you are against me” – The unspoken effect inside being even a (temporarily) shaky self-confidence: We look for someone to confirm our uneasiness, or our hurt feelings. To feel we are not wrong. But right, in feeling insulted or even hurt.
This ‘comes with the territory’: Many of us get a basic idea of ‘right and wrong’, sometimes strict parents or elders raising us with those ideas. And no explanations of – or more subtle views on – the how and the why.
Or the even less-easy-to-grab concept of being right – and the other person being right too… in their view of a situation.
That we will not lose a point or our position, our dignity, ‘face’, when we acknowledge the other’s perspective to be understandable.
But, that is the starting point of more peace and understanding:
Practicing tolerance.
Starting to learn about perspectives and (apart from legal or ethical considerations) about diversity of beliefs, outlooks – points of view.
I have posted about wars. This is about the smaller ones in everyday life. We can make an issue out of every little thing. Sometimes, people will misunderstand it if we don’t. I had to fight a lot in the course of my life. I learned one thing for sure:
Many things can become big, even huge in the eyes of the world ‒ or our own ‒ if we make them that. Fighting is proven to ‘take it out of you’: You can become angry, even furious once you have chosen the issue. You start an argument, perhaps. Things even may escalate into a full-blown conflict that rages for years.
And for what, really? So often we will come to realize that a lot of things are not worth the energy, because:
Fighting saps one’s strength.
I am not talking about becoming angry ‒ and letting off steam. That’s important in a healthy way and done safely in order to not hurt others.
But fighting?
Fighting takes it out of you, the effects can become really dangerous to our system. Because, the way we deal with anger or even frustration is something we can learn ‒ and manage. So much in life depends on how we look at it. Strong emotions are part of our mindset ‒ that is also: part of how we evaluate what happens to us.
The first flush of anger may be involuntary ‒ but after that, it’s a choice. To save health and nerves and keep frustration at bay.
Because, also, so often looking back, we may regret unnecessary fights, especially with people we like or love.
That’s why I make it a point in my life ‒ and a plea here for all who are wondering: Pick your battles. The next one may be really worth it.
Author’s Note:
I write about such things because I learned early in life how easily we all tend to make our life difficult or even hurt the other’s feelings without meaning to. Misunderstandings too, are easy. I have a strong background in workplace psychology, among many other fields of interest, be that history, philosophy ‒ or politics. I also have come across many misjudgements in life ‒ in private life or in business. Enlightenment is a philosophical approach and subject ‒ to me it is essential to understand ‒ and make understood.
The other day I came across another rather shocking fact in a documentary: The faked and montaged images of a female reporter who was close to exposing damaging truths about a politician: Even before AI, putting a face with any image of a body found online or offline in a photograph, was not uncommon – or unheard of.
These days politicians such as somebody like Brazil’s former president Bolsonaro – who is close to other right-wing politicians such as Trump – are frequently turning to smear campaigns with falsified evidence that mean to destroy credibility or reputation of the targeted person.
I think too – rumour, legend and truth should actually be differentiated with care.
Just as in former times, when printed tabloids, or even earlier ballads were sung on street corners, supported by huge drawings, made for sensationalism.
In this digital age it’s easy and fast to ‘make it up’… in every sense.
Don’t underestimate people’s suggestiveness in regard to ‘sensations’.
And if you would be interested in the truth: Check the facts and your sources – carefully.
When men start ‘impressing’… (Images licensed via Adobe CC)
When you look at children playing they already repeat the sometimes age-old patterns of the patriarchal societies we live in: “When you start touching my sandcastle, I’ll kick yours…!”
“Why? Because…!”
It’s that thing about boasting, bragging and hitting the chest, just as apes do…
Whenever in history was it helpful or really effective to use threats of war? Usually it will just end in war!
How ridiculous can you get these days? Especially someone like Trump, who was raised in a place that calls itself a military school, not to say an academy, West Point…
I beg your pardon, ‘dude’, but if you didn’t get what tactics should have taught you, you are wrong for that job anyway!
Do you really and truly believe that you will get Putin to relent this way?
Or is this one step into yet another ‘deal’ to sell more weapons?
That is Putin and Trump, as per precedence (s.a. 2016 elections, where Putin had them manipulated in favour of Trump)* getting together behind the scenes – and having a ‘ball’ at our expense…?
Well, there’s a thought: Do not buy into their wars.
This strange entity called Trump is known for and even proud of making ‘deals’ that way: He creates a background of scares and fear and threats – and then tries to move in. But then, apparently he suffers from ADHD anyway…
Unfortunately Putin in Russia for reasons of his own would not be where he is today if he was ‘got’ that easily – assuming that what we see in front of cameras is not just a …
Big stage performance…
*Note: Since then the Washington Post has been acquired by Jeff Bezos, founder of amazon and has become completely unreliable.
The principle is as old as mankind itself: When you want to get somewhere, you need to know two things, basically: Your finish line – and your starting point.
PEACE is some goal…
When it is a problem to be solved it is important to not just get a hazy idea of some problem or issue… a clear idea of the true problem is vital. Since, trying to find a solution without the clearly identified problem is pointless and a waste of time.
In other words: To get a clear picture of reasons for people doing something – or a system failing, you would look into history: Because it can help to find similar situations you can learn from.
And: Nothing in this life worth having comes easy…but that’s no reason to despair, but: “Keep at it – and remember about the breaks.”
We have come quite some way, in general!
In the past, people for centuries actually found it a great pastime to visit public torture and public hangings!
That has stopped.
In most countries around the world the death penalty has been abolished!
The most simple principle in that respect I have mentioned too, already:
Whatever you colour, creed, or conviction, you are not supposed to either kill, torture or bother other people. Period.
So, again, our goal as societies that have learned a thing or two about communities and responsibility – most, if not all of us yearn for peace: For peaceful coexistence. For more mutual understanding.
People in power these days once more seem, at the moment at least, have begun to realize that they are not just powerful for their own fun – or into the bargain; but that they carry the responsibility for exactly that kind of thing with them, each and every day:
Keep the goal, the ultimate finish line, in focus.
Start thinking it through from the end.
Get proper counselling.
Remember that you are not alone on this planet and that your ‘powerful’ existence as such would be pretty pointless without all the others around….
