communication – Nina's Homepage

August 26, 2025August 26, 2025

Communication and Culture: Writing, Talking, Listening… – Tolerance can be Key

Image of two women and a man from different cultures, sitting in a public place and friendly talking and listening to each other — Image by Grand Ath Thariq Kusmara Gustav from Pixabay

“You just don’t understand!” – That’s the title of a book by a famous social sciences researcher. She writes in a manner everyone can understand about the difficulties that can arise when men and women talk to each other. It’s focused on the US-American, that is, to some extend Western society and culture.

Most of us know how different and thus difficult to understand the approaches and outlook on life can be between the sexes.
Even more so, when there are similar ideas around, living and working together, where expectations are yet different in detail.

The outlook, the perspective on life, and other people can be a crucial key to understanding each other.

There are people with a quiet and withdrawn everyday behaviour. Who think for themselves, take longer to finally speak about their thoughts; or exchange ideas.

Others rather like to talk soon to someone of like mind.

‘Like mind’: Wonderful words, in some ways.

The person who understands us without any drama or long discussions. Makes us feel welcome and at ease. Accepted. Because we understand each other easily, due to similar outlooks.
Like minds.

There is yet another very interesting and yet basic difference in communication between so called high-context and low-context cultures:

- “High-context” means not so much a measure of better quality – it means that in order to properly understand what is said you have to know body language.
  The non-verbal messages that come with the words, the talk.
- “Low-context” too, is not a measure of lower quality – it means that almost exclusively words are regarded as the whole ‘message’ of the speaker. Facial expression or gestures are almost not taken into account. At least, not knowingly.

I have seen both: People who register every tone of voice or the lifting of an eyebrow in order to ‘decode’ the message.
And those who don’t. At all.

I also know how easily we all are mistaken in judging others: The famous story of the man with the hammer by Paul Watzlawick, a leading figure in communication studies, in his even more famous book: “The situation is hopeless but not serious” is ample proof of that way we all have at times to interpret others – willy nilly:

The man decides he needs to lend a hammer from his neighbour, thinks a while, remembers all kinds of apparent recent snides and strange looks, concluding a grudge, the other is harbouring against him – when he eventually reaches the door of the neighbour’s house, rings and the neighbour opens, screams to his face:
“You can well keep your hammer to yourself!”

Things can become more subtle than that, though: When we live in a close-knit community with some strict ideas on how to behave – it can happen that we become intolerant towards others.

A wonderful concept that can help a lot to more peace and peaceful coexistence:
“Tolerance”: “willingness to accept behaviour and beliefs that are different from your own, although you might not agree with or approve of them” (Cambridge Dict., online version)

What can make tolerance so difficult is the fact that we so often are raised with the silent premise of: “if you are not for you are against me” – The unspoken effect inside being even a (temporarily) shaky self-confidence:
We look for someone to confirm our uneasiness, or our hurt feelings. To feel we are not wrong. But right, in feeling insulted or even hurt.

This ‘comes with the territory’: Many of us get a basic idea of ‘right and wrong’, sometimes strict parents or elders raising us with those ideas. And no explanations of – or more subtle views on – the how and the why.

Or the even less-easy-to-grab concept of being right – and the other person being right too… in their view of a situation.

That we will not lose a point or our position, our dignity, ‘face’, when we acknowledge the other’s perspective to be understandable.

But, that is the starting point of more peace and understanding:

Practicing tolerance.

Starting to learn about perspectives and (apart from legal or ethical considerations) about diversity of beliefs, outlooks – points of view.

And still retain our sense of self-esteem.

August 20, 2025August 20, 2025

Pick Your Battles – Or: Focus on Strength

Image of woman on mountain top before sunrise — (Image licensed via Adobe CC)

I have posted about wars. This is about the smaller ones in everyday life. We can make an issue out of every little thing. Sometimes, people will misunderstand it if we don’t. I had to fight a lot in the course of my life. I learned one thing for sure:

Many things can become big, even huge in the eyes of the world ‒ or our own ‒ if we make them that. Fighting is proven to ‘take it out of you’: You can become angry, even furious once you have chosen the issue. You start an argument, perhaps. Things even may escalate into a full-blown conflict that rages for years.

And for what, really? So often we will come to realize that a lot of things are not worth the energy, because:

Fighting saps one’s strength.

I am not talking about becoming angry ‒ and letting off steam. That’s important in a healthy way and done safely in order to not hurt others.
But fighting?

Fighting takes it out of you, the effects can become really dangerous to our system. Because, the way we deal with anger or even frustration is something we can learn ‒ and manage. So much in life depends on how we look at it. Strong emotions are part of our mindset ‒ that is also: part of how we evaluate what happens to us.

The first flush of anger may be involuntary ‒ but after that, it’s a choice. To save health and nerves and keep frustration at bay.

Because, also, so often looking back, we may regret unnecessary fights, especially with people we like or love.

That’s why I make it a point in my life ‒ and a plea here for all who are wondering: Pick your battles. The next one may be really worth it.

Author’s Note:
I write about such things because I learned early in life how easily we all tend to make our life difficult or even hurt the other’s feelings without meaning to. Misunderstandings too, are easy. I have a strong background in workplace psychology, among many other fields of interest, be that history, philosophy ‒ or politics. I also have come across many misjudgements in life ‒ in private life or in business.
Enlightenment is a philosophical approach and subject ‒ to me it is essential to understand ‒ and make understood.

June 5, 2025

The View on Things and People — Perspective or Judgement?

Photo of lighted glowworms in a forest clearing at night — Image by Yuri from Pixabay — Glowworms at night

Perspective is another word for a view on things — or the world. Our view on the world can be mutli-faceted — or rather singular.
It depends on how we grow up, what we see and learn – and how we learn to deal with people and things — and how to judge them.

What now? ‘Judge’?
I am just thinking here, you might say.

Of course, in a broader sense, judging is what we do when we determine our view on something, or somebody.
In many cases what we see and hear is what we go by.

But blind people for example will tell you that going by your visual impression alone can easily lead to mistakes.
Equally, deaf-mute people will tell you that ‘going by’ the sounds or words spoken will easily lead to mistaken impressions.

But if that’s so easy to mistake what would you ‘go by’ then?

It needs an open mind and it needs patience. Neither people nor things can be judged quickly — although many people tend to do that — and a good understanding comes with time — and knowledge.

A very popular example is the reported reaction of a group of deaf-mutes watching the former US president Clinton when he spoke on his relations to the young lady that eventually caused his resignment from office: They smirked and laughed out loud until asked what was going on? And they answered: “But he is lying, it’s so obvious…”

Whatever the reason or the occasion, if we want to make this world a better place we would want to check our view — our judgement — of people as well as situations carefully.

April 6, 2025

The Apple and the Pear: Words – and Colours – Life’s Varieties

Image of fresh apples and pears looking almost the same — Original image by wirestock on Freepik, resized

“Dark yellow? Orange?” Words matter. Images in the mind are directly connected with them. That makes them so powerful. And so difficult to control:

Because that’s what can happen: People talk apparently about the same thing but it is only partly the same – as in ‘dark yellow’ or ‘orange’. You cannot always know what others understand of your words, your speech, or your message.

Equally difficult can be to really know what others might mean, even though you seem to be using the same words. Why that happens? Because we all grow up and make experiences in certain cultures and surroundings.

That way the associations, the images, that crop up in our individual minds can be different – even if slightly.

At times they can make understanding each other challenging, at least.

Of course, there’s the situation that people are well-meaning but make more of their own skills or their expertise than is actually true. And others even expect it from them. In interviews for job applications, for example.

When you then meet the exception from the rule, it can make it even more challenging and also interesting: To expect someone to be ‘telling tall tales’ and then find out that they hadn’t…

March 23, 2025March 23, 2025

“The Silent Majority” – The 100-People-Rule

Image of many figures like pieces in the blue dark, one of them in red and highlighted standing out. — (Image licensed freepik.com)

In former times it seemed to be a matter of course to talk about the ‘silent majority’. And it also seemed to be debatable: Did it exist?

These days we know: It does!

The statistics you get from business departments such as support, online and offline, confirm:

For any person letting a company, an organization, or platform know about their issues or problems or worries, there are around 100 silent ones who do not speak up. Some are too lazy. Some are too busy. Some are just too self-conscious, don’t dare to draw attention to themselves.

Whatever the reasons may be: I also know from actual experience how often people in everyday life underestimate the universal facts of human life:

Emotions, feelings, worries and also joy so often are felt very similarly. Yet, very often also people don’t know about that and therefore feel disconnected.

Sharing helps: Experience, emotions, and thoughts. And my blog is one place where I like to share for exactly that reason. To help and to spread perhaps a (little) light of understanding.

March 10, 2025March 10, 2025

The Miracle of Human Understanding

group of people and coloured arrows showing speech direction

Most of us past teenage years have seen and experienced misunderstandings. Some can be tragic, some can seem funny even, looking back, some are funny – and some are rather mundane, really.

What can make it difficult can be situations such as the following, a nice example I came across the other day, paraphrased here:

A group of people were scheduled for a training of communication. Everybody arrived in time, wore casual clothing as per agenda and was quite relaxed, chatting and waiting for the training to begin. A little while into the day’s itinerary, a young man who everybody had been wondering about, arrived far too late. He was very quiet, wore a business suit that obviously had been expensive and showed a rather withdrawn behaviour.

The group decided that he seemed rather arrogant and they felt annoyed and treated with a lack of basic politeness.

It took a while to find out that he had been to a funeral, unexpectedly and of a close person and barely had found time to arrive at all…

This little anecdote makes it clear nicely how easily unrelated events can be made into a chain of misunderstanding.

Keeping an open mind and realizing that our interpretations can be wrong in spite of appearances can be the first step towards real understanding.

October 6, 2024October 6, 2024

In War there is Conflict – Conflicts need Solutions – War is NOT a Solution!

Whoever told us that life is either wonderful harmony – or we will have war? In the sense that you cannot have it both ways?

Da…n and blast to all who believe it! Is it that male (patriarchal) idea that you have to have predominance and prove ‘strong’ by shouting at people a lot? Because that way you establish ‘authority’?

Maybe. But war is not a question of gyms and some old-fashioned training ideas!

The civil society brought an even more wide-spread understanding of responsibility and the preference for peace and calm that let us thrive for a good life and good relations in peace.

Conflicts are a natural part of human life – always were, always have been.
(Cruel) arguments or wars are not ‘natural’.
They are the consequence of a mindset that values predominance and ‘first place’ the most. To force your opinion or your preferences on people is – according to that idea – a sign of strength and power.

BUT – and this is one of those BIG BUTS – it is a question of perspective:

Because anything that causes pain and suffering to many people – and additionally over a long period of time – is not a good thing! Period.

There are many ways out of conflict, some are short, because the conflict is small.
Some ways are long, because the conflict is large.
But whatever it is, if we respect the fundamental human rights we will do all the negotiating it takes, even if years, to avoid pain and suffering. Full stop.

June 5, 2024June 5, 2024

Life – People – Kaleidoscope – or Black and White?

“My way – or the highway?” In many parts of the world we can see people believing that there is only one way – or another. That other people or their behaviour or their ideas are one of two things: Black or White. A duality concept.

In truth, life and situations and people are colourful, like a kaleidoscope. Sometimes, when you are full of emotion, such as anger, wrath or a loving passion, the emotion has no ‘colour’ in the mind — it’s more of a temperature, perhaps, rather cold, or rather hot… and if you would start thinking and getting to know yourself or your emotion(s) better you would find out more details – and start finding words for them.

To think that there are only two sides to a coin is a rather narrow concept. You wil miss out on all the other possibilities – or colours.

Sometimes, when we are very sure that only one way or solution is right — at least for us — we tend to judge harshly.

That way we will overlook all the other — even beautiful — colours, in a situation, a solution to a problem — or a character.

Even peace or peaceful coexistence become easier to find, if we allow for alternatives, see the ‘other colours’, the full picture.

The big idea.

And should you wonder if that was too much bother — you may want to think again: Is peace really so much more difficult, than war — or conflict? And when was it written that the good or the better things always are easy…?

April 25, 2024April 25, 2024

7001 Languages: Body Language and It’s Impact

Image creative commons license via Ecosia filtered search

“But he’s lying, it’s so obvious!” Apparently a group of deaf-mutes signed that when watching an interview of the then president of the United States Bill Clinton who had been publicly accused of having an affair with a visiting girl at the White House.

Body language:
The most powerful tool we have – and use so often unbeknownst to ourselves. Some numbers say that we communicate over 70-80% of all social exchanges through our bodies.

The world is full of languages, over 7000 are said to exist.

Apart from knowing with our hearts, learning this powerful way of expressing emotions and thoughts could be helpful.
It’s not easy, because culturally dependent. Yet, for more peace and mutual understanding – this could be one way.