Change is a big word in business sometimes. I believe that we may feel tempted to expect fast and smooth changes in people every day, led by ideas in some pamphlets or flyers or even books or consultants… that say:
“If you do X and Y you will get there in no time.“
The thing is:
People don’t change fast or by a click. And that has its reasons too: When you are gown up you have seen parts of life even when still young. The more mature you grow the more you know that people need time.
That changes grow – a little like fruit on a tree: That takes at least months.
And animals, when you watch them you will find that they grow up and mature in some years.
Now, people?
We have complex brains – so they tell us (- ‿◦ ) and that means also that we start thinking about consequences at some point. The more the merrier… and additionally the history of mankind did prove that embracing the unknown, the new, the strange, could lead to dangers, even loss of your live.
So, what happened?
In essence people are ‘conservative’, in the true sense of the word:
They preserve the things that did prove reliable at least, and good in the past. Because that makes you feel safe. Secure. And more relaxed.
If change needs to happen in business it’s a good thing to calculate with that ‘staying power’ humans have.
A power that can be endearing and very necessary. And that can be overcome by patience, perseverance – and with very good reason(s).
In life and in families things often become difficult. Involved.
When times are good, it seems easy to be graceful and acknowledging. Giving. When times are hard and have been for some time, perspectives may change.
‘Stocktaking’ is the term for doing a check on goods in a storage room or business, originally. But it is often applied to the recall, the active review on memories; or of course, the present times: What seems hard to endure. What seems especially unjust or unfair in a lifetime, compared.
Probably sometimes that little word ‘compared’ is crucial:
Comparing myself and my lot to others.
Mostly when we feel unjustly dealt with, we compare ourselves, our hardships, to people who seem well off. Happy. Relaxed. Always in possession of what seems to make life easy, nice and ‘cool’.
What we tend to omit is the other view: Compare our lot with so many others that are off much worse.
It’s not always helpful right at first, when we may feel overwhelmed by taking care of relations. Having children. Taking care of sick people. Of the terminally ill.
And it is also crucial to find ways of relieve in such times!
It’s been proven that people in caring professions such as medical doctors, nurses and people in health care are particularly apt to suffer from burnout.
In families caring for the sick and elderly too can be underestimated, or having children. Too often an ideal of an angelic figure roams the fairy stories and concepts of motherhood, especially, which is far from reality.
Some Hollywood movies as well as some kinds of TV-serials or advertisements can strongly suggest it, though.
Mothers and other people are just human beings. They can make mistakes. They can feel overwhelmed.
They can feel underestimated. They can feel tired to their bones.
I have seen people in other cultures who still understood through generations of large families with more than 8 or 10 children and grandchildren in each thread that what humans are, is not perfect.
That life can deal you hard ‘decks’, without any responsibility or fault of your own.
That’s what we need to understand, to further mutual understanding:
Very often we are not at fault, when things go wrong.
We cannot possibly be perfect, because that’s not human.
When the chips are down, we may need help.
To ask for help is good. We may have to learn that, again.
‘A real man’, ‘a hulk’, ‘the hero’, ‘the fighter’ – the words and phrases are numerous, sometimes there seems no end to the ideas of what men should be like.
“Always cool, calm and collected.” “Women and children, the sick and the elderly to be saved first.”
What does that do to men’s minds? To some, at least, raised with the full brunt of this concept?
That a man is to be powerful, reigns the creation, the earth, and everything in it – including women.
‘His woman’. ‘His wife’.
For centuries that was understood: A woman is her father’s and later her husband’s ‘ward’, in modern terms that was in effect the legal ruling. She did not own anything, even when she worked or inherited money.
Comfort. A fine word. It evokes all kinds of images if we come to think of it. And men so long had to be the providers. Providers of food, shelter and – comfort.
Because, this indeed can be too much: Because, indeed, this is not human!
Every human being feels lonely at times, yearns for closeness, warmth and comfort.
But men are supposed to feel and be always superhuman? Strong, knowledgeable? The last resort?
It’s not possible to always feel that way. But when no one tells them so – how would they know?
And sick minds can be born by the almost schizophrenic concept: Be kind, understanding and calm. But also be brutal and a fighter and always in control of the situation.
Schizophrenia is associated with sickness. But at the outset it means a ‘divided brain’. Thinking and feeling are at odds. And if that cannot be resolved, we find cruelty and (near) madness in deeds and – online activities…
Let’s remember that war is just a phenomenon based on this image. Based on the idea of sovereignty and wealth being the most important and most attractive traits in a man.
These are images, concepts and they are not human. We do not need images. We need human beings in this world.
War is no solution. War is not destiny. War is not inevitable. War is not in our nature.
Conflicts are. But they can be solved if we really want to.
In science you make a rule from thousands of occurrences of the same phenomenon… if it is the same. There are strict rules for creating new or even corrected rules in science. The same is true for the law, legislation and courts of law: In order to be sure of what you do or say, you have to be very careful of your facts, and your witnesses, if any.
That’s why in everyday life you meet so many people who judge often based on – almost nothing: One day, one situation, one occurrence, even a chance correlation of two events – and ‘lo and behold’ they make up a story about people, a place – or they pass judgement.
It’s easy that way: Passing judgement, on others. It makes you feel fine(r) about yourself. And you can stop worrying about your own shortcomings…
Well, it depends, of course. Because not everybody is the same.
Even the bible, a book full of wisdom, if you know how to read it, has that, already, Matthew, 7, 3:
“3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?” (King James Version)
“3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (New International Version)
There’s the idea that two events occurring at the same time can be made into a story… such as a stork flying across the sky while a baby is born… Makes it – what?
“Storks bring babies…?”
Are you quite sure…?
Image free via Ecosia filtered search, Creative commons
Knowing your fellow man – or woman. In theory it is easy: Just talk to them – or look at them and you know. Right?
Wrong.
We only understand and really recognize what we have seen before. Of course, there are universal truths. Yet, there are also differences in detail.
They depend on experience. On discretion someone may have learned in the course of a lifetime…
I for one for example have learnt to be very careful with what – or whom – I talk about. Usually, that is.
So easily people actually jump to conclusions.
In those conclusions there are just as much ‘wish(es) father to the thought’ as the quote from Shakespeare goes; as well as ideas based on often culturally or individually dependent views and perspectives involved.
So, a wolf would expect a wolf to behave like one. Yet, when there’s a sheep inside – or a fox maybe, or a hare, or a squirrel, or a bear… or a bit of all of them:
What is the conclusion then?
When we want to know about people the first order is: Patience!
Although many of us conclude about basics of another human being inside of seconds, we still should keep an open mind:
The New York Times won a Pulitzer Prize for it: The reporting on contacts between Trump and Putin all those years ago, when he first ran for office: The election of 2016 already had been influenced on a broad scale by Russian hackers.
Additionally, the contacts between other members of the Trump-family, such as his nephew, to Russia and Putin or his ‘entourage’, have been proven.
Not so long ago Trump could be seen practically worshipping Putin when meeting him.
Trump seems to have stated publicly even that he envied Putin his status: To be able to have people to ‘jump through hoops’ basically at his command. Something Trump has been craving and is as yet denied by the constitution of the USA.
What is going on?
I think it is safe to suppose that all this threatening scenery has been moved just as on a stage: Make us believe in the threat – and invest: In weapons and the weapons’ industry.
In return, Putin at some point will ‘get’ Ukraine. And no more NATO in front of his territory.
Which sounds alright.
Otherwise: It seems a huge campaign in order to get Trump raised NATO-members’ annual in weapons. To 5% from 3% originally. Do the maths: Depending on the gross national product, per year. That’s billions of dollars the US-way. Weapons that are produced mainly in the US. Weapons that most of the other NATO members will order from there.
Add the raised tariffs and you have your threatening setup and deals-closing all complete.
By a man whose whole history is about making huge amounts of money; who did not care a hoot about anyone, when going bankrupt on purpose in the 1960s, hurting thousands of small stakeholders and sinking them.
Who promises yet never really comes through with bettering living conditions, employment rates, for those at the bottom of society’s ladder.
Who praised himself for being that kind of deal-closer: Threaten them and be done with it. Who has done so – or at least tried – repeatedly.
North Korea comes to mind, a couple of years ago. Some threats and fears raised of actual military action in the seas close to Korea. And suddenly:
– Silence. Shaking of hands and alleviation of said threats…
At the time it seemed too good to be true already. It does so even now. Looking at all the other examples, mentioned. At Gaza. At Ukraine.
Putin and Trump: Meet the ‘family’.
Note: There are facts. There are interpretations. Most of what I cite here, is fact and can be verified.
“Zum Golde drängt, am Golde hängt doch alles
ach, wir Armen.”
“Towards gold all push, all is suspended by,
oi, wey our souls.” (Gretchen, Goethe, Faust I, my translation).
It’s the quintessential phrase in regard to many people’s image of their own value, their idea of their self-esteem: “The more money I get, the higher salary I receive, the better person I am.”
I feel lucky personally not to have been raised by such standards: Our parents from early on made clear that things are like this in a system that is based on ‘capital’:
That due to the human phenomenon of a system pervading the whole of life over time, many people feel like that:
More money = more self-esteem.
But, perspective is key: If we get the chance to ask further and develop our thoughts we can rise above that rather cheap concept – and find ourselves more than the sum of our parts – or the money.
The only thing remaining and rather important, alas, is to watch out for all those that don’t – or haven’t realized this. At times I pity them for the emptiness their life must present.
But looking after ourselves and protecting us from greed and selfishness where present is still the order of the day – too.
All the happier I am when I meet with the good ones…
Image by Grand Ath Thariq Kusmara Gustav from Pixabay
“You just don’t understand!” – That’s the title of a book by a famous social sciences researcher. She writes in a manner everyone can understand about the difficulties that can arise when men and women talk to each other. It’s focused on the US-American, that is, to some extend Western society and culture.
Most of us know how different and thus difficult to understand the approaches and outlook on life can be between the sexes.
Even more so, when there are similar ideas around, living and working together, where expectations are yet different in detail.
The outlook, the perspective on life, and other people can be a crucial key to understanding each other.
There are people with a quiet and withdrawn everyday behaviour. Who think for themselves, take longer to finally speak about their thoughts; or exchange ideas.
Others rather like to talk soon to someone of like mind.
‘Like mind’: Wonderful words, in some ways.
The person who understands us without any drama or long discussions. Makes us feel welcome and at ease. Accepted. Because we understand each other easily, due to similar outlooks. Like minds.
There is yet another very interesting and yet basic difference in communication between so called high-context and low-context cultures:
“High-context” means not so much a measure of better quality – it means that in order to properly understand what is said you have to know body language.
The non-verbal messages that come with the words, the talk.
“Low-context” too, is not a measure of lower quality – it means that almost exclusively words are regarded as the whole ‘message’ of the speaker. Facial expression or gestures are almost not taken into account. At least, not knowingly.
I have seen both: People who register every tone of voice or the lifting of an eyebrow in order to ‘decode’ the message.
And those who don’t. At all.
I also know how easily we all are mistaken in judging others: The famous story of the man with the hammer by Paul Watzlawick, a leading figure in communication studies, in his even more famous book: “The situation is hopeless but not serious” is ample proof of that way we all have at times to interpret others – willy nilly:
The man decides he needs to lend a hammer from his neighbour, thinks a while, remembers all kinds of apparent recent snides and strange looks, concluding a grudge, the other is harbouring against him – when he eventually reaches the door of the neighbour’s house, rings and the neighbour opens, screams to his face: “You can well keep your hammer to yourself!”
Things can become more subtle than that, though: When we live in a close-knit community with some strict ideas on how to behave – it can happen that we become intolerant towards others.
A wonderful concept that can help a lot to more peace and peaceful coexistence:
“Tolerance”: “willingness to accept behaviour and beliefs that are different from your own, although you might not agree with or approve of them” (Cambridge Dict., online version)
What can make tolerance so difficult is the fact that we so often are raised with the silent premise of: “if you are not for you are against me” – The unspoken effect inside being even a (temporarily) shaky self-confidence: We look for someone to confirm our uneasiness, or our hurt feelings. To feel we are not wrong. But right, in feeling insulted or even hurt.
This ‘comes with the territory’: Many of us get a basic idea of ‘right and wrong’, sometimes strict parents or elders raising us with those ideas. And no explanations of – or more subtle views on – the how and the why.
Or the even less-easy-to-grab concept of being right – and the other person being right too… in their view of a situation.
That we will not lose a point or our position, our dignity, ‘face’, when we acknowledge the other’s perspective to be understandable.
But, that is the starting point of more peace and understanding:
Practicing tolerance.
Starting to learn about perspectives and (apart from legal or ethical considerations) about diversity of beliefs, outlooks – points of view.
I have posted about wars. This is about the smaller ones in everyday life. We can make an issue out of every little thing. Sometimes, people will misunderstand it if we don’t. I had to fight a lot in the course of my life. I learned one thing for sure:
Many things can become big, even huge in the eyes of the world ‒ or our own ‒ if we make them that. Fighting is proven to ‘take it out of you’: You can become angry, even furious once you have chosen the issue. You start an argument, perhaps. Things even may escalate into a full-blown conflict that rages for years.
And for what, really? So often we will come to realize that a lot of things are not worth the energy, because:
Fighting saps one’s strength.
I am not talking about becoming angry ‒ and letting off steam. That’s important in a healthy way and done safely in order to not hurt others.
But fighting?
Fighting takes it out of you, the effects can become really dangerous to our system. Because, the way we deal with anger or even frustration is something we can learn ‒ and manage. So much in life depends on how we look at it. Strong emotions are part of our mindset ‒ that is also: part of how we evaluate what happens to us.
The first flush of anger may be involuntary ‒ but after that, it’s a choice. To save health and nerves and keep frustration at bay.
Because, also, so often looking back, we may regret unnecessary fights, especially with people we like or love.
That’s why I make it a point in my life ‒ and a plea here for all who are wondering: Pick your battles. The next one may be really worth it.
Author’s Note:
I write about such things because I learned early in life how easily we all tend to make our life difficult or even hurt the other’s feelings without meaning to. Misunderstandings too, are easy. I have a strong background in workplace psychology, among many other fields of interest, be that history, philosophy ‒ or politics. I also have come across many misjudgements in life ‒ in private life or in business. Enlightenment is a philosophical approach and subject ‒ to me it is essential to understand ‒ and make understood.
