Author: sereshk

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Communication and Culture: Writing, Talking, Listening… – Tolerance can be Key

Image of two women and a man from different cultures, sitting in a public place and friendly talking and listening to each other
Image by Grand Ath Thariq Kusmara Gustav from Pixabay

“You just don’t understand!” – That’s the title of a book by a famous social sciences researcher. She writes in a manner everyone can understand about the difficulties that can arise when men and women talk to each other. It’s focused on the US-American, that is, to some extend Western society and culture.

Most of us know how different and thus difficult to understand the approaches and outlook on life can be between the sexes.
Even more so, when there are similar ideas around, living and working together, where expectations are yet different in detail.

The outlook, the perspective on life, and other people can be a crucial key to understanding each other.

There are people with a quiet and withdrawn everyday behaviour. Who think for themselves, take longer to finally speak about their thoughts; or exchange ideas.

Others rather like to talk soon to someone of like mind.

‘Like mind’: Wonderful words, in some ways.

The person who understands us without any drama or long discussions. Makes us feel welcome and at ease. Accepted. Because we understand each other easily, due to similar outlooks.
Like minds.

There is yet another very interesting and yet basic difference in communication between so called high-context and low-context cultures:

    • “High-context” means not so much a measure of better quality – it means that in order to properly understand what is said you have to know body language.
      The non-verbal messages that come with the words, the talk.
    • “Low-context” too, is not a measure of lower quality – it means that almost exclusively words are regarded as the whole ‘message’ of the speaker.  Facial expression or gestures are almost not taken into account. At least, not knowingly.

I have seen both: People who register every tone of voice or the lifting of an eyebrow in order to ‘decode’ the message.
And those who don’t. At all.

I also know how easily we all are mistaken in judging others: The famous story of the man with the hammer by Paul Watzlawick, a leading figure in communication studies, in his even more famous book: “The situation is hopeless but not serious” is ample proof of that way we all have at times to interpret others – willy nilly:

The man decides he needs to lend a hammer from his neighbour, thinks a while, remembers all kinds of apparent recent snides and strange looks, concluding a grudge, the other is harbouring against him – when he eventually reaches the door of the neighbour’s house, rings and the neighbour opens, screams to his face:
“You can well keep your hammer to yourself!”

Things can become more subtle than that, though: When we live in a close-knit community with some strict ideas on how to behave – it can happen that we become intolerant towards others.

A wonderful concept that can help a lot to more peace and peaceful coexistence:
“Tolerance”: “willingness to accept behaviour and beliefs that are different from your own, although you might not agree with or approve of them” (Cambridge Dict., online version)

What can make tolerance so difficult is the fact that we so often are raised with the silent premise of: “if you are not for you are against me” – The unspoken effect inside being even a (temporarily) shaky self-confidence:
We look for someone to confirm our uneasiness, or our hurt feelings. To feel we are not wrong. But right, in feeling insulted or even hurt.

This ‘comes with the territory’: Many of us get a basic idea of ‘right and wrong’, sometimes strict parents or elders raising us with those ideas. And no explanations of – or more subtle views on – the how and the why.

Or the even less-easy-to-grab concept of being right – and the other person being right too… in their view of a situation.

That we will not lose a point or our position, our dignity, ‘face’, when we acknowledge the other’s perspective to be understandable.

But, that is the starting point of more peace and understanding:

Practicing tolerance.

Starting to learn about perspectives and (apart from legal or ethical considerations) about diversity of beliefs, outlooks – points of view.

And still retain our sense of self-esteem.

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Pick Your Battles – Or: Focus on Strength

Image of woman on mountain top before sunrise
(Image licensed via Adobe CC)

I have posted about wars. This is about the smaller ones in everyday life. We can make an issue out of every little thing. Sometimes, people will misunderstand it if we don’t. I had to fight a lot in the course of my life. I learned one thing for sure:

Many things can become big, even huge in the eyes of the world ‒ or our own ‒ if we make them that. Fighting is proven to ‘take it out of you’: You can become angry, even furious once you have chosen the issue. You start an argument, perhaps. Things even may escalate into a full-blown conflict that rages for years.

And for what, really? So often we will come to realize that a lot of things are not worth the energy, because:

Fighting saps one’s strength.

I am not talking about becoming angry ‒ and letting off steam. That’s important in a healthy way and done safely in order to not hurt others.
But fighting?

Fighting takes it out of you, the effects can become really dangerous to our system. Because, the way we deal with anger or even frustration is something we can learn ‒ and manage. So much in life depends on how we look at it. Strong emotions are part of our mindset ‒ that is also: part of how we evaluate what happens to us.

The first flush of anger may be involuntary ‒ but after that, it’s a choice. To save health and nerves and keep frustration at bay.

Because, also, so often looking back, we may regret unnecessary fights, especially with people we like or love.

That’s why I make it a point in my life ‒ and a plea here for all who are wondering: Pick your battles. The next one may be really worth it.

 

Author’s Note:
I write about such things because I learned early in life how easily we all tend to make our life difficult or even hurt the other’s feelings without meaning to. Misunderstandings too, are easy.  I have a strong background in workplace psychology, among many other fields of interest, be that history, philosophy ‒ or politics. I also have come across many misjudgements in life ‒ in private life or in business.
Enlightenment is a philosophical approach and subject ‒ to me it is essential to understand ‒ and make understood.

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“More of the Same”: The Non-solution is Human… or: War is not an Option – Neither are Threats

Photo of peacock's feathers presented like a pattern of a cloth
Image by Alexa from Pixabay

Anyone watching the scenes that are public and published can state it that way: “More of the same.” It’s interesting to see that people behave the same way everywhere, just as Paul Watzlawick in his famous book called it:
“More of the same.”

He is a leading figure in communication science and has written standard works for the field.
The well-known, bestselling “The Situation is Hopeless but not Serious – The Pursuit of Unhappiness” was written with tongue in cheek, so it is the reverse of what you would expect. A tutorial how to do it right…to be happier. It’s revealing the patterns people repeat making themselves unhappy that way.

The patterns are there, not just in the book but in life – and in politics. Especially surprising it might seem as regards the war in Ukraine and the situation in Gaza.

Hellooo?

We do not need to repeat the ideas, statements and threats of the past 2 and 7 decades, respectively.

It is about dropping the ‘attitude’:
“Me (us) – always right.” and getting down to brass tacks. To the real thing. To negotiating instead of making a lot of noise. Or expecting the other, the person across from us to change just as by magic – because we suddenly decided that it would be the best way:
Just ‘let’ them give in…

It’s indeed almost as if people had taken some of the bad movies and fairy stories too seriously – and forgotten to consider the other person.

When you meet people in life they don’t behave according to your wishes – just because you tell them so.

No king will get that – and no dictator.

What you can do is: Learn!

Learn about humans, about the universal truths and the actual real things that make life fine – not bragging and boasting and ‘making it an act’.

But about community and the bigger picture, peace and – eventually kindness of hearts.

Because: That’s what real happiness is about. Sense of community – and kindness.

The great kings of the past still considered to be great were not the ones to make a lot of noise and war.
They were the ones to understand about people, that is, their subjects – and about life’s essentials.

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Social Media – Faked Images and Mobbing – Politics … and People’s Reputations

Image of a room in a cave with a comfortable bed, jungle plants and sand as well as wooden planks on the floor, clearly being made up by digital tools
Suggestiveness… – Image by ALEX from Pixabay

The other day I came across another rather shocking fact in a documentary: The faked and montaged images of a female reporter who was close to exposing damaging truths about a politician: Even before AI, putting a face with any image of a body found online or offline in a photograph, was not uncommon – or unheard of.

These days politicians such as somebody like Brazil’s former president Bolsonaro – who is close to other right-wing politicians such as Trump – are frequently turning to smear campaigns with falsified evidence that mean to destroy credibility or reputation of the targeted person.

I think too – rumour, legend and truth should actually be differentiated with care.
Just as in former times, when printed tabloids, or even earlier ballads were sung on street corners, supported by huge drawings, made for sensationalism.

In this digital age it’s easy and fast to ‘make it up’… in every sense.

Don’t underestimate people’s suggestiveness in regard to ‘sensations’.

And if you would be interested in the truth: Check the facts and your sources – carefully.

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People, the Cucumber, Business and Emotions: EQ

Picture of a tree inside a red heart shape, outside the heart shape a white, snowy landscape
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

“Cool as a cucumber” is a phrase used to describe a frame of  mind that often is considered helpful in business. Or in negotiations of any kind. Actually, I don’t agree altogether. The short version: I like humans better than cucumbers….

The longer version: It’s been proven by scientists that it is really impossible to ‘separate’ human beings from their emotions. That is, our emotions are always part of our daily existence, even when there’s no passion involved and so they might be ‘staying’ (and feeling…) ‘low’. Undetermined.

Daniel Goleman, a psychologist, science author and journalist in 1995 first published his book on the subject, “EQ – Emotional Intelligence” that also was a New York Times bestseller for a year.

He makes it quite clear that when you try to decide for example, your emotions on the matter are crucial: Due to brain research, and actual brain surgery results it has turned out that without emotions we are unable to decide. Certain parts of the brain being removed and thus unable to feel, people will retain their knowledge, their skills, but become unable to decide…

Emotions are the central part of human life.

There’s a fine old story these days considered to be for children, a so-called poet’s fairy story, “The Cold Heart“, by Wilhelm Hauff. It is about a young charcoal maker, Peter,  who wishes to become rich and respected. Two fairy creatures in their way help him along. On the way one asks him to relinquish his heart as payment for riches provided.

Peter asks if taking his heart out of his body wouldn’t be harmful, or actually kill him. The wizard tells him not to worry since he as a magic being would be able to do it without harming his body in any way. Afterwards he would be free of that annoying something in his breast always starting to beat at odd times…

Eventually the young fellow awakes and finds himself rich, richer than anyone around for many miles. He travels, enjoys life being respected by many, eventually marries a beautiful young woman.

But whatever he does, there’s no joy in it. There’s no sorrow either, no regrets. Nothing, just a sort of emptiness.

The story has a happy ending.

At the same time it is a fine tale about human life and the most important aspects in it.

And it makes clear in so many words, written even as early as the 19th century, how central our emotions are to our life:

A warm ‘heart’. That’s why I prefer humans to cucumbers… ◕‿↼)

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When Politicians Start Behaving Like Immature Boys in a Sandbox: USA, Ukraine, Russia and the ‘Pride’ of Males

When men start ‘impressing’… (Images licensed via Adobe CC)

When you look at children playing they already repeat the sometimes age-old patterns of the patriarchal societies we live in: “When you start touching my sandcastle, I’ll kick yours…!”

“Why? Because…!”

It’s that thing about boasting, bragging and hitting the chest, just as apes do…

Whenever in history was it helpful or really effective to use threats of war? Usually it will just end in war!

How ridiculous can you get these days? Especially someone like Trump, who was raised in a place that calls itself a military school, not to say an academy, West Point…

I beg your pardon, ‘dude’, but if you didn’t get what tactics should have taught you, you are wrong for that job anyway!

Do you really and truly believe that you will get Putin to relent this way?

Or is this one step into yet another ‘deal’ to sell more weapons?

That is Putin and Trump, as per precedence (s.a. 2016 elections, where Putin had them manipulated in favour of Trump)* getting together behind the scenes – and having a ‘ball’ at our expense…?

Well, there’s a thought: Do not buy into their wars.
This strange entity called Trump is known for and even proud of making ‘deals’ that way: He creates a background of scares and fear and threats – and then tries to move in. But then, apparently he suffers from ADHD anyway…

Unfortunately Putin in Russia for reasons of his own would not be where he is today if he was ‘got’ that easily – assuming that what we see in front of cameras is not just a …

Big stage performance…

 

*Note: Since then the Washington Post has been acquired by Jeff Bezos, founder of amazon and has become completely unreliable.

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Emily Dickinson: “Hope is the Thing with Feathers…”

Image of two feathery birds singing and looking at spectator, each inside a vignette, illustrating the poem
Images licensed via Adobe CC, my graphics
254

“Hope” is the thing with feathers–
That perches in the soul–
And sings the tune without the words–
And never stops–at all–

And sweetest–in the Gale–is heard–
And sore must be the storm–
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm–

I’ve heard it in the chillest land–
And on the strangest Sea–
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb–of Me.

Emily Dickinson

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Talk to – Talk About – or With…?

Drawing of three people together near a sofa calmly talking, indicated by speech bubbles
Image by Vicki Hamilton from Pixabay

When we grow up, we learn how easy it is to get into an argument… Start a fight, even if is the better variant, namely a fight with words, which can get heated too, at times.
And how easily we say things we don’t mean in a heated argument. I’ve posted about some of this before.
And then sometimes we hurt people’s feelings, even those near and dear, nilly willy…

The consequence often seems to be, growing up, that we stop ‘talking to’ people about anything that might seem remotely apt to hurt them. Their ideas, their needs, or wishes, or yearnings…
Instead we talk to people around us about the others.
Thus Peter will talk to Jane about Mary and what she seems to be or want – and he talks to Mary about Jane… but he will not talk to Jane about Jane.

And that can be by far the greatest pity of all, because assumptions we make in talking to others about someone else – and the very often wrong images created about those people – not only present a biased outlook on that person.
Not only can they hamper any future contact since we judge people basically by a ‘rumour’…

Assumptions are like the little story about the man and the hammer by Paul Watzlawick, a hyperbole:
the man wants to lend a hammer from his neighbour, starts remembering the neighbour’s recent looks and his own impressions – and ends up knocking on his neighbour’s door, almost yelling at him, when the door opens, he ‘well could keep his hammer for himself’ for all it’s worth!
While the neighbour mildly wonders what has happened.

Paul Watzlawick, an Austrian, famous in communication theory, in Europe and especially the US, who published this nice little book called: “Anleitung zum Unglücklichsein”/”The Situation Is Hopeless, But Not Serious: The Pursuit of Unhappiness”, 1983

Acting on assumptions only, in addition, we may miss out on the most interesting and perhaps most moving aspects and moments in life…

So, I would like to put this here:

    • Talk to each other! Not about…
    • Grown-ups may surprise you too: when you believe they are vulnerable and will get angry right away, they may react reasonably and naturally, even interested in your point.
    • Anyone you would deem interesting enough to talk about could be twice as interesting to talk to!
    • Sometimes, just acting on and listening to assumptions – our own or those of the others, will block a broader view and deeper understanding.

Let’s be less daunted – talk to the other!

 

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Migration, ‘Illegal Aliens’ and the War: ‘Desparate Times’ Call for Desparate Measures? – Ridiculous Right-wing Cover-ups

Image by HazarMan from Pixabay

There they all are: Gathering speed and momentum: “Illegal aliens”, “migrants” are being blamed for difficulties. It’s an age-old argument, and just as ridiculous and stupid as the ‘war effort’ and its ‘necessities’: Kill people into the bargain? Just because you crave money, power and attention of the wealthy circles…?

The patterns are there, in history, for everyone to look up.

There is a new effort at getting Trump to leave, an impeachment, perhaps… I wonder how long it will take until those blind wealthy idiots start to realize who it is that keeps them wealthy: Exactly those ‘illegal aliens’, among others, they now so furiously kick out of the country.

Millions to spend on that programme – send them out?

When so many of those ‘migrants’ work hard and thus provide revenue and profits, make more businesses that actually employ more people…?

Who else really makes the money? Managers? They so often start the problems, because while getting millions of severance payments the ‘little folk’ are left in the ‘clear’…

So, quickly covering up, blaming the wrong ones; making more war, because that not only sells weapons you then produce more of, employing people that way.

In the meantime you send the ‘little people’ to the front, to get killed. Cannon fodder. Right?
Yes, right-wing politics. Covering it up: The scandals and the mismanagement.

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Put the Pressure On… – The USA and the Selling of Weapons… “Money, Money, Money”…

Why would you try and negotiate properly…? As the present president Trump has already got them almost where he wants them: With threats and scare tactics regarding tariffs and weapon deliveries, especially to refuse proper negotiations with the opponent, Putin, he has pressured the NATO and the EU into practically crawling at his feet…including Ukraine.

It’s unbelievable, to think that a region like the EU – or, just as much the NATO – lets itself being blackmailed by someone like Trump into basically ‘jumping through hoops’ at his command…the ‘wonderful’ summit the other day with NATO leaders, him included was the perfect stage to ‘butter him up’.

Who knows, he will probably one day manage to do to the US what Putin is doing to Russia: Make it a dictatorship. The Supreme Court Justices already do his bidding as well…

What a spectacle…

When it’s so obvious that the US are just as dependent on others as others are on them…

What would he be without the NATO – or the EU – or Russia, especially?

Is that all?

Of course, it’s been put into so many words ever since mankind has started to use money instead of exchanging goods…

Contrary to the song’s (apparent) message above, I am proud enough to rather starve than to make myself depend on anyone rich… but, not everyone is the same.
Mr Trump apparently depends on his money to buy and bully himself the respect and attention he craves sooo much…

The song really is pure sarcasm, of course…

When you look at research at the time, and contacts in between, between Trump and Putin, that is – when you look at the articles of the New York Times – since sadly the Washington Post has been acquired already by Jeff Bezos, amazon founder, and is not dependable anymore – it seems rather obvious: The rich and wealthy (the oligarchs* behind people such as Putin) are starting to divide it between them: The oil, the gas – and ultimate profits, namely those by war and weapons.

One thing is true too: When you’ve bombed them back into the stone age you can waltz in later and again make money on repairs and rebuilding…

Who cares? I do. Still.

The Swedish pop group ABBA put it into these apt words in 1976, rather revealing, really…

* “oligarchy, government by the few, especially despotic power exercised by a small and privileged group for corrupt or selfish purposes. Oligarchies in which members of the ruling group are wealthy or exercise their power through their wealth are known as plutocracies.” (Encyclopaedia Britannica Online)

* Oligarch: “one of the people in an oligarchy (= a government or society controlled by a small group of very powerful people)” (Cambridge Dictionary Online)

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