Would You Be a Lady? – Corsets, Crossed Legs, Cinderella, and the Bad Back

For centuries in many parts of Europe a very distinct idea of the true lady existed: she was never loud, never obtrusive, never swore, did not know the words to describe the bodily functions and if even a hint of the juicier sides of life was made in a conversation she would faint.

This changed in the course of centuries since the advent of the civil society, when first the equality of men was declared and later on the freedom of men, women and even slaves was proclaimed. Step by step the enlightenment and women’s lib movement acquired a foothold in thoughts, ideas and finally in law: even in the late 18th century, when the French revolution started a whole volley of changes, equal rights for all men and freedom for serfs, women were not even considered, much less covered by such laws.
As had been custom since ancient Greece and Rome, the law considered ‘man’ to be free and have the right to vote. ‘Man’ did not mean ‘human being’, but literally the male grown-up of the society. The eldest sons not even of age were often put to ‘look after’ the woman and younger children of the house, when the father (‘pater familias’) was away.

Women were considered to be weak, a lady was something like a hothouse plant, to be kept under wraps, to be protected and hatched and not to be spoken roughly to. On the other hand she also was considered to be less smart than a man, practically dumb, less able to conduct business or study the serious subjects, such as high literature, medicine or law.

During the nineteenth century it became even more pointed when a ‘writing woman’ was likened to a ‘monster’, in so many words, in articles of special ladies’ magazines, books for housekeeping and instructions on how to properly behave as a lady.

Into the 1950s, the seminars and classes for young women were well known in Germany, to instruct the bride-to-be in how to take care of the man, cook, clean the house and dress, the so-called ‘Bräuteschule’. Down to the crossing of legs, the conversation considered suitable and the poise of the head, the shoulders, how to hold cup and saucer, knife and fork. The most cruel expression of this idea can be found in the German version of the fairy story of ‘Cinderella’: two of the daughters are encouraged to cut off their heel or toe to fit her feet into the shoes for the dance – to ultimately ‘catch’ the prince.

All this made for another kind of corset: the strict rules thus creating a restricted range of body movements caused numerous problems for health and well-being. Among them reduced blood circulation especially in neck and shoulders, legs and lower back.

Today we are lucky that in some parts of the world this has been realized and also leads to a potentially more relaxed expression of emotions and thoughts.
I still think an evening dress worn to a ball and the grace of a dancing woman is fine to look at, and feel – but personally I enjoy it so much more, when dress and shoes ‘fit me’ – not vice versa.

Human Rights, Extremists and Rudyard Kipling – Can the ‘Twain’ Ever Meet?

Rudyard Kipling in his poem ‘The Ballad of East and West’ put it in his famous phrase: ‘East is East and West is West and never the twain shall meet.’
His idea was that the differences were too great to ever be fully reconcilable. The term reconcilable in turn stems from ‘reconciliation’, something two or more parties at war would do…

These modern times see the discussion going on just as forcefully, opinionated and to some extent just as wrongly prejudiced as Kipling was. He also was the poet laureate who coined the phrase of the ‘white man’s burden’. It’s another way of saying that ‘the West’ actually has an obligation and a duty to go elsewhere into the world and teach ‘them’ there what life should be like and how to think and feel.

The prejudice this idea is based on of course means: here (in Europe, the West, US) ‘we’ know all about it, are always right and could not accept another point of view because the truth is to be found here.

The ‘devil’ in such ideas lies in two things:

  • That there exists one real truth only.
  • That there are whole countries or regions filled with tribes or people who have to be taught what is right. In former times: to be religiously converted in a ‘mission’.

This is actually the same principle ‘the other side’ employs when influencing simpler minds into attacking and killing people, or go to war.
The propaganda for centuries has been the same:
Find an image in the ‘other’ that is harmful, problematic or even dangerous, paste it up, make it look shiny and ‘red’, present ‘the enemy’ in the most gruesome colours and then take up the weapons and march.

A very simple and core argument today is in judging Islamic terrorists by the fact that allegedly ‘they’ have the fierceness written into their religion, namely the Koran contains suras that explicitly ask its followers to go to war or kill. Although this is true – here comes the interesting and even more simple fact:
Terrorism sanctioned by the government is called just – war.

More importantly, if we take the human rights act and lay it beside the allegedly worthy, because peaceful bible, that is taken as proof that the West is worthier still, we may be astonished: the bible has many parts in it that are just as fierce, ‘bloody’ and dangerous to simple minds than any possible counterpart in the Koran. I just like to bring up the ‘eye for an eye’ phrase as an example.

If you want to understand and truthfully judge, how people think and live in a majority of a culture, you do not just take up their religious book and make an equation.

You start to understand this:

  • Living, breathing and caring people are all around the world. They very often have very similar dreams about a peaceful life that contain love and reasonable wealth.
  • The propaganda is the same – in basic fact – around the world, in words as well as in deeds. Using simple concepts and even simpler wording to ‘drive people crazy’ – and into torture or killing.
  • Putting your own view of the world ‘up there’ as the only truth that has value and should be adhered to, namely be self-righteous, is the starting point of any narrow-mindedness and ultimately may lead to war just as easily.

If we want to really change the world, let’s start at our own door: open it to let different point-of-views in and thus different kinds of people from around the globe and try and understand, that many things can be differentiated and sometimes difficult – but they are certain to be exciting and fruitful, not to say beneficial too. Because variety is what makes life colourful!

The Darker Side of Love – Men, Women, Appreciation and Violence

Sex can be life-affirming I posted recently, and I still think it’s true. Yet, there’s a darker side to sex, the bodily love, that has been gauged in recent months, especially in the US. Although a lot needs to be said about those that manipulate and are out for money from celebrities, yet the fact remains that violence, especially sexual violence in patriarchal societies, has been too often and too long trivialised. In some ways we are lucky in this day and age that because of the feminist movement especially in the course of the past two centuries a new awareness and a better realization of the problem has been created.
Judges and juries these days are less likely to play down the grave actions of abuse or even rape that have and are being committed every day.

Mentally Sick

The most common reasons in many cases also have been determined. In cases of downright mentally sick or disturbed offenders they have been shut away and some effort is made to cure them.
But there’s the grey area of those that seem neither sick nor disturbed nor raised in the wrong surroundings or state of mind.
Still, the more prominent as well as ‘lesser cases’ – as regards media attention – are known to exist: respectable men, professional, successful, family all complete, are being found out after years to have been involved in numerous cases of shady or downright criminal offenses against women.

Why, one wonders over and over again, why does this happen?

The Sane Male and Root Causes

To my mind several reasons are at the root of this phenomenon and this is even not the first time they are being identified:

  • In patriarchal society the man is supposed to take the ‘reigning position’. Always alert, always superior, always there to safe the weaker members of society, women, children and the elderly, as it were.
  • Additionally, more commonly realized and also more often publicly stated from inside the feminist movement, the sexual role a man has to play in theory in patriarchal societies is that of the conqueror: representing the strong and almost animal-like quality of round-the-clock seducer image.
  • A very basic principle of human needs is that of appreciation: at the root of many of man’s initiatives, actions, drive or motivations is the need to be appreciated, or noticed. Work as well as private life are determined to a great extent by this need. With it comes the feeling of being strong, sufficient and in the right place among one’s fellow beings.

Appreciation – The Basic Human Need

To me this need for appreciation, which has more often gone too unnoticed, is the root to more problems than just the subject of this post. But appreciation as a man, to repeat,  in patriarchal societies most often, depends on the image being fulfilled: the seducer and superior being, the reigning head of the herd, the lion.
After the principle of the successful and rich existence has been realized, there remains the seducer: ‘women swoon’ nicely describes the expectation connected with this image.
And not only does the respective ‘male’ feel strong and confident because he ‘did his duty’, as it were. In addition a great number of surrounding fellows or pals will admire him for it, even if envious at the same time. Because he ‘got it’, rather ‘them’. Them, meaning women.

What often goes unnoticed also, are two other basic human phenomena, which make understanding part of these occurrences easier: men as well as women after reaching adulthood will never feel the same as in childhood again. The constant feeling of being perhaps not ‘up to par’ as regards expectations of the society around one’s self is ever present.
What fewer humans realize though, yet would be so important for more of them to lead more productive and satisfying lives:
It is human to feel like that. And to try and use different ways and means to overcome this by quenching the emotion is common – but not helpful.

The Seducing Game

One of the methods very commonly used by men to feel ‘right’, secure, ‘up to par’ is fulfilling this role of seducer, the veritable Casanova: it seems the more insecure someone feels, the higher the rate of women he needs to fill the basic void.

Inexperienced, frightened or just ambitious women especially at a younger age can easily fall victim to this kind of often schematised seducing game.
Because, the modern Casanova so often isn’t a bad guy on the surface, or even at lots of his heart. He’s got charming manners, especially towards women. He’s the perfect pal for all around. He can create the atmosphere and impression that he appreciates each woman in her own and very special right, even treats her as if she was the revelation of his life and the one goal he had been aiming at. He’s not even ruthless or inconsiderate in everyday life. That makes him so difficult to spot, especially with less experience in these matters or people in general.

Go Public

A very important point to be made in this context: making things public can be crucial. Too often women are even blamed for ‘falling for the guy’. And too often they blame themselves, which is the worst side to all of this. The ideas range over ‘they should have known better, be more prudent, be more aware’, and so on. That is the ‘devil’ of it, of the game and the underlying human condition: the need for feeling close, the need for passion – and appreciation. So men and women alike should stop blaming the victims, in whatever shape or form the deed is done.

But to stop the game and its tools it doesn’t suffice just to recognize and avoid the wielders. An effective way to prevent the worst things in life, such as other kinds of crime, is to educate, to make aware and – raise our children differently. Which means that women as well as men learn to understand, what life is really all about. How passion can be integrated into a loving and caring relationship on an equal footing, where no man and no woman is to be expected to be ‘super’ in any way – especially seducing.