Category: empathy

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“Vatanam” – Iran: “My Beloved Home Country” – The Pain of Exile

Exile is painful. Always. But the Iranian emotion is special, because there’s a warmth and a feeling of community that is like none other. Exiles all around the world feel it and their ‘ballad’ you might say is this song, a very popular Persian singer of long standing made about that feeling: A heart rending longing and yearning for that singular and most special countryside, landscape and the people who live there.

I am not Persian myself but I was married to one for over ten years. I spent over 20 years in close contact to friends and family. I fell in love with the language when I first heard it. Soft and melodic intonations and a flow of words and sentence melody that can be like a caress.

I learned the language and studied history and culture too, at university. I talked to Persians  and learned about the music, the popular and the classic.

About lyrics and poetry.

Most of all: I learned to love that humour that thousands of years of sad and tragic wars, and attempted conquests, as well as strict rules, imposed by shahs and regional kings, made flower into a fine art.

The warmth and sense of community and the hospitality even towards strangers as well as that wonderful ability to celebrate smaller or larger holidays and festivals.

The sense of helpfulness and community.

The sense of reality at the same time: To know that weaknesses and shrewdness are part of human life. And that for all hospitality you are better off being careful when meeting someone for the first time.

The sense of politeness that is also a fine art you need to learn and after a while works like a charm, a warm shield against vulnerability:
Because the ‘taarof’, scorned by some as being outdated and insincere to my mind is a wonderful method to communicate with a sense of tact and the possibility that people feel hurt easily.

Which is part too, of that sense of passionate emotions being, mostly, an accepted part of human life. And need to be taken care of, not suppressed. In general.

Iran is a country with humans, but that sense also is there, that dignity and respect even when we make mistakes, are due, in general and everyday cases.

‘Vatanam’, this song is to many the epitome to that home and that society, that community that makes you feel at home and welcome even as a stranger.

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The Cruelty of Crime – or: Hope is Where We Are – Many Little People in Many Little Places…

Image of an eye, a schematic image of a person checking all kinds of social media channels at its laptop and a large sign reading OFFLINE.
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay and Adobe CC, my graphics

These days the papers published by and by in the US about molestation and abuse of minors are disturbing. Alas, it’s not the first time such cruelties occur, they are no specialty of the US and as such the reasons are manifold. The scientific research is well-advanced. I’d like to propose some ideas and measures on how to deal with all of it.

    • Remember the cruel fact too, that sensations have to be sold by media, ‘social’ or otherwise.
      Historically, too the more ghoulish, the better.
      In former centuries it was ballad singers on street corners with large wall posters.
    • A sad truth too: People involved will get some PR… it’s been proven too, that sensations often sell better than any sympathy campaign…
    • Make sure not to consume all of it just because it’s there. Take time off of news and channels.
    • These things have reasons partly in the world we live in: Men are supposed to be rich, famous and powerful. Additionally what is also called ‘bodily ‘love” they are supposed to have lots of.
    • At the same time their ego may suffer from self-doubts, often severely. An apparent solution to warped minds is this kind of behaviour, especially when doing it in networks: Apparently boosts self-confidence and also makes them money.
    • Remember too, that such occurrences are not the norm! Not even the majority. The good people are more!
    • Also know – or check – that the numbers in penal offence statistics as well as crime in general for many years have been decreasing! It’s those news and ‘social’ media that can make it appear otherwise.

What we can do is around us, every day: Treat people around us with respect, friendliness and love.

Because anything we do, we can do right here and now, where we are. That’s where we can do the most good!

This is that famous proverb, supposed to be African:

If many little people in many little places do many little things – they can change the face of the earth!

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Life: Past, Present and Future or: ‘Stocktaking’

young man in home office looking thoughtfully at his laptop screen
Image free license courtesy freepik.com

In life and in families things often become difficult. Involved.
When times are good, it seems easy to be graceful and acknowledging. Giving. When times are hard and have been for some time, perspectives may change.

‘Stocktaking’ is the term for doing a check on goods in a storage room or business, originally. But it is often applied to the recall, the active review on memories; or of course, the present times: What seems hard to endure. What seems especially unjust or unfair in a lifetime, compared.

Probably sometimes that little word ‘compared’ is crucial:
Comparing myself and my lot to others.

Mostly when we feel unjustly dealt with, we compare ourselves, our hardships, to people who seem well off. Happy. Relaxed. Always in possession of what seems to make life easy, nice and ‘cool’.

What we tend to omit is the other view: Compare our lot with so many others that are off much worse.

It’s not always helpful right at first, when we may feel overwhelmed by taking care of relations. Having children. Taking care of sick people. Of the terminally ill.

And it is also crucial to find ways of relieve in such times!

It’s been proven that people in caring professions such as medical doctors, nurses and people in health care are particularly apt to suffer from burnout.

In families caring for the sick and elderly too can be underestimated, or having children. Too often an ideal of an angelic figure roams the fairy stories and concepts of motherhood, especially, which is far from reality.

Some Hollywood movies as well as some kinds of TV-serials or advertisements can strongly suggest it, though.

Mothers and other people are just human beings. They can make mistakes. They can feel overwhelmed.

They can feel underestimated. They can feel tired to their bones.

I have seen people in other cultures who still understood through generations of large families with more than 8 or 10 children and grandchildren in each thread that what humans are, is not perfect.
That life can deal you hard ‘decks’, without any responsibility or fault of your own.

That’s what we need to understand, to further mutual understanding:

    • Very often we are not at fault, when things go wrong.
    • We cannot possibly be perfect, because that’s not human.
    • When the chips are down, we may need help.
      • To ask for help is good. We may have to learn that, again.
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Communication and Culture: Writing, Talking, Listening… – Tolerance can be Key

Image of two women and a man from different cultures, sitting in a public place and friendly talking and listening to each other
Image by Grand Ath Thariq Kusmara Gustav from Pixabay

“You just don’t understand!” – That’s the title of a book by a famous social sciences researcher. She writes in a manner everyone can understand about the difficulties that can arise when men and women talk to each other. It’s focused on the US-American, that is, to some extend Western society and culture.

Most of us know how different and thus difficult to understand the approaches and outlook on life can be between the sexes.
Even more so, when there are similar ideas around, living and working together, where expectations are yet different in detail.

The outlook, the perspective on life, and other people can be a crucial key to understanding each other.

There are people with a quiet and withdrawn everyday behaviour. Who think for themselves, take longer to finally speak about their thoughts; or exchange ideas.

Others rather like to talk soon to someone of like mind.

‘Like mind’: Wonderful words, in some ways.

The person who understands us without any drama or long discussions. Makes us feel welcome and at ease. Accepted. Because we understand each other easily, due to similar outlooks.
Like minds.

There is yet another very interesting and yet basic difference in communication between so called high-context and low-context cultures:

    • “High-context” means not so much a measure of better quality – it means that in order to properly understand what is said you have to know body language.
      The non-verbal messages that come with the words, the talk.
    • “Low-context” too, is not a measure of lower quality – it means that almost exclusively words are regarded as the whole ‘message’ of the speaker.  Facial expression or gestures are almost not taken into account. At least, not knowingly.

I have seen both: People who register every tone of voice or the lifting of an eyebrow in order to ‘decode’ the message.
And those who don’t. At all.

I also know how easily we all are mistaken in judging others: The famous story of the man with the hammer by Paul Watzlawick, a leading figure in communication studies, in his even more famous book: “The situation is hopeless but not serious” is ample proof of that way we all have at times to interpret others – willy nilly:

The man decides he needs to lend a hammer from his neighbour, thinks a while, remembers all kinds of apparent recent snides and strange looks, concluding a grudge, the other is harbouring against him – when he eventually reaches the door of the neighbour’s house, rings and the neighbour opens, screams to his face:
“You can well keep your hammer to yourself!”

Things can become more subtle than that, though: When we live in a close-knit community with some strict ideas on how to behave – it can happen that we become intolerant towards others.

A wonderful concept that can help a lot to more peace and peaceful coexistence:
“Tolerance”: “willingness to accept behaviour and beliefs that are different from your own, although you might not agree with or approve of them” (Cambridge Dict., online version)

What can make tolerance so difficult is the fact that we so often are raised with the silent premise of: “if you are not for you are against me” – The unspoken effect inside being even a (temporarily) shaky self-confidence:
We look for someone to confirm our uneasiness, or our hurt feelings. To feel we are not wrong. But right, in feeling insulted or even hurt.

This ‘comes with the territory’: Many of us get a basic idea of ‘right and wrong’, sometimes strict parents or elders raising us with those ideas. And no explanations of – or more subtle views on – the how and the why.

Or the even less-easy-to-grab concept of being right – and the other person being right too… in their view of a situation.

That we will not lose a point or our position, our dignity, ‘face’, when we acknowledge the other’s perspective to be understandable.

But, that is the starting point of more peace and understanding:

Practicing tolerance.

Starting to learn about perspectives and (apart from legal or ethical considerations) about diversity of beliefs, outlooks – points of view.

And still retain our sense of self-esteem.

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People, the Cucumber, Business and Emotions: EQ

Picture of a tree inside a red heart shape, outside the heart shape a white, snowy landscape
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

“Cool as a cucumber” is a phrase used to describe a frame of  mind that often is considered helpful in business. Or in negotiations of any kind. Actually, I don’t agree altogether. The short version: I like humans better than cucumbers….

The longer version: It’s been proven by scientists that it is really impossible to ‘separate’ human beings from their emotions. That is, our emotions are always part of our daily existence, even when there’s no passion involved and so they might be ‘staying’ (and feeling…) ‘low’. Undetermined.

Daniel Goleman, a psychologist, science author and journalist in 1995 first published his book on the subject, “EQ – Emotional Intelligence” that also was a New York Times bestseller for a year.

He makes it quite clear that when you try to decide for example, your emotions on the matter are crucial: Due to brain research, and actual brain surgery results it has turned out that without emotions we are unable to decide. Certain parts of the brain being removed and thus unable to feel, people will retain their knowledge, their skills, but become unable to decide…

Emotions are the central part of human life.

There’s a fine old story these days considered to be for children, a so-called poet’s fairy story, “The Cold Heart“, by Wilhelm Hauff. It is about a young charcoal maker, Peter,  who wishes to become rich and respected. Two fairy creatures in their way help him along. On the way one asks him to relinquish his heart as payment for riches provided.

Peter asks if taking his heart out of his body wouldn’t be harmful, or actually kill him. The wizard tells him not to worry since he as a magic being would be able to do it without harming his body in any way. Afterwards he would be free of that annoying something in his breast always starting to beat at odd times…

Eventually the young fellow awakes and finds himself rich, richer than anyone around for many miles. He travels, enjoys life being respected by many, eventually marries a beautiful young woman.

But whatever he does, there’s no joy in it. There’s no sorrow either, no regrets. Nothing, just a sort of emptiness.

The story has a happy ending.

At the same time it is a fine tale about human life and the most important aspects in it.

And it makes clear in so many words, written even as early as the 19th century, how central our emotions are to our life:

A warm ‘heart’. That’s why I prefer humans to cucumbers… ◕‿↼)

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Talk to – Talk About – or With…?

Drawing of three people together near a sofa calmly talking, indicated by speech bubbles
Image by Vicki Hamilton from Pixabay

When we grow up, we learn how easy it is to get into an argument… Start a fight, even if is the better variant, namely a fight with words, which can get heated too, at times.
And how easily we say things we don’t mean in a heated argument. I’ve posted about some of this before.
And then sometimes we hurt people’s feelings, even those near and dear, nilly willy…

The consequence often seems to be, growing up, that we stop ‘talking to’ people about anything that might seem remotely apt to hurt them. Their ideas, their needs, or wishes, or yearnings…
Instead we talk to people around us about the others.
Thus Peter will talk to Jane about Mary and what she seems to be or want – and he talks to Mary about Jane… but he will not talk to Jane about Jane.

And that can be by far the greatest pity of all, because assumptions we make in talking to others about someone else – and the very often wrong images created about those people – not only present a biased outlook on that person.
Not only can they hamper any future contact since we judge people basically by a ‘rumour’…

Assumptions are like the little story about the man and the hammer by Paul Watzlawick, a hyperbole:
the man wants to lend a hammer from his neighbour, starts remembering the neighbour’s recent looks and his own impressions – and ends up knocking on his neighbour’s door, almost yelling at him, when the door opens, he ‘well could keep his hammer for himself’ for all it’s worth!
While the neighbour mildly wonders what has happened.

Paul Watzlawick, an Austrian, famous in communication theory, in Europe and especially the US, who published this nice little book called: “Anleitung zum Unglücklichsein”/”The Situation Is Hopeless, But Not Serious: The Pursuit of Unhappiness”, 1983

Acting on assumptions only, in addition, we may miss out on the most interesting and perhaps most moving aspects and moments in life…

So, I would like to put this here:

    • Talk to each other! Not about…
    • Grown-ups may surprise you too: when you believe they are vulnerable and will get angry right away, they may react reasonably and naturally, even interested in your point.
    • Anyone you would deem interesting enough to talk about could be twice as interesting to talk to!
    • Sometimes, just acting on and listening to assumptions – our own or those of the others, will block a broader view and deeper understanding.

Let’s be less daunted – talk to the other!

 

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The View on Things and People — Perspective or Judgement?

Photo of lighted glowworms in a forest clearing at night
Image by Yuri from Pixabay — Glowworms at night

Perspective is another word for a view on things — or the world. Our view on the world can be mutli-faceted — or rather singular.
It depends on how we grow up, what we see and learn – and how we learn to deal with people and things — and how to judge them.

What now? ‘Judge’?
I am just thinking here, you might say.

Of course, in a broader sense, judging is what we do when we determine our view on something, or somebody.
In many cases what we see and hear is what we go by.

But blind people for example will tell you that going by your visual impression alone can easily lead to mistakes.
Equally, deaf-mute people will tell you that ‘going by’ the sounds or words spoken will easily lead to mistaken impressions.

But if that’s so easy to mistake what would you ‘go by’ then?

It needs an open mind and it needs patience. Neither people nor things can be judged quickly — although many people tend to do that — and a good understanding comes with time — and knowledge.

A very popular example is the reported reaction of a group of deaf-mutes watching the former US president Clinton when he spoke on his relations to the young lady that eventually caused his resignment from office: They smirked and laughed out loud until asked what was going on? And they answered: “But he is lying, it’s so obvious…”

Whatever the reason or the occasion, if we want to make this world a better place we would want to check our view — our judgement — of people as well as situations carefully.

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“Stands with a Fist” – Dancing with Life

Image of two flamingos in a lake embracing with their beaks
“Stand with a Fist” is the name of a character in a movie, a young Indian woman in the movie “Dances with Wolves”. I had to think of it recently and what these two expressions mean to me these days:

In this modern world we are supposed to be strong, independent and always up-to-it – whatever ‘it’ may be.

In business and increasingly so in private life if you admit to ‘weaknesses’ you may be looked at askance. And what are those, really? You may lose the confidence of others into your abilities, your skills and your powers of thought or ideas.

‘Weakness’, I think that’s a grave misconception of what humans are, in effect: We all are living and breathing entities, who all their lives are looking for that decisive ‘connection’ with another, that lifting of the ‘veil’, the ‘barrier’ between us – and the conquest of that feeling of separateness as Erich Fromm called it: Love.

Often ‘weaknesses’ means ‘just’ everyday life occurrences that are not ‘pretty’ in a character, such as cheating at cards, telling tall tales for the truth – or eating the last piece of cake.

But much more often ‘weakness’ is equalled with ‘being vulnerable’.

‘Strong’ being identified as what warriors are supposed to be like: Always know the way, always be cool, calm and collected – and never take anything to heart.
If needs be – women and children are to be saved first. Fight for a cause. And die for it, if it so happens.

Well, not all is ‘fair’ in love and war’, because – we are not at war in everyday life!
And we should also not strive to be fit for war, first and foremost. Because:
“Be careful what you wish for.”
Or
If you focus on one thing in your mind’s eye, you cannot focus on the other.

It’s rather simple, in many ways: Our mind is a powerful tool to invoke images and those in turn ‘make’ our emotions, and are informed on by our emotions. And so on.

That’s why focusing on the good can be so important, not to say, crucial!

Focusing on Love.

In essence, love is what keeps us alive, and strong, and self-confident and – positive.

Love? Isn’t it food, and drink and clothing and shelter that makes us stay alive? Yes, but after that?

I think what makes us all stronger really is to focus on all that is part of a peaceful, and fine life, in a community: Not be a warrior carrying your harness all day long – but a sensitive and humane person with feelings that allow us to laugh, to love – and to feel friendship.

But why should I take the first step? What if someone else is there – and hurts my feelings – and I will perhaps even be made to look a fool?

Well, that’s why I called it ‘dancing with life’: It’s not easy. You take steps and you reverse them, you try again and sometimes someone steps on your foot. But who said it should be – easy?

Is war easier? Or better – or nicer? It hurts more – and it kills people.

 

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Secret(s) of Love and Affection and Passion

Image of a blooming water lily on dark coloured leaves
Image courtesy pixabay.com – free license

Can I say anything definitive about it – when so many others seem to have failed? There’s romance to be considered – and jealousy, there’s loneliness that sometimes makes people rush into things; there’s fear of rejection, and heartbreak. The stories and plays, poems and songs that have been made are legion; I wonder if not the whole of mankind is seeped through and through with the eternal quest for love and passion and safety – and often in vain.

I always wondered why people are and behave the way they do. Why? Pain, especially. Why would people cause others pain on purpose? Revenge is also a subject in that sphere…when emotions or just pride are hurt and people start out on a hunt, as it were, to avenge themselves.

There are the archetypes that C.G. Jung, a successor of Sigmund Freud, defined: Symbols as figures, ideas of human types of behaviour, such as the bridesmaid, the bride, the damsel in distress and so on.

Many ideas we come in contact with are involved with the idea of love. The very basic longing for harmony and closeness with another human being that Erich Fromm called the need for overcoming the feeling of separateness (quoted from memory).

As most of us I have gone through some pain in that respect myself – as well as some joy.

There are patterns of human behaviour, male and female that you often find mirrored in (usually) cheap movies and stories: They ‘feed’ on those stereotypes and can be rather distracting, if you do not look beyond the images. For your own truth as well as of that of the other person.

Patterns of  power relationships are involved, deeply sometimes and most of it not consciously: In patriarchy the man is to be supposed to be always cool, calm, collected and ‘on top’ of the situation. That means that he may tend to look for a life partner slightly his inferior in education, upbringing, or income, in order to feel like a ‘real’ man.
Women in turn may easily tend to look for a ‘strong, superior’ man in order to fulfill those roles.
Sometimes these roles are a safe bet.

Sometimes they are not.

The basics I learned to be true too, by reading, observation and my own experience are these:

    • We tend to look for a partner who understands – us.
    • Passion may perhaps be easy to come by – if you are not too particular; some apparently get ‘sozzled’ with intake of substances to make that part easy. Some buy it.
    • Some wait for a long time to combine the ‘nature and nurture’, the experience and personal liking with a ‘soulmate’, in love and passion. My special regards to all of you people of like minds!

Whatever you do, remember these two ideas, to me they make the most sense of all:

In passion: All is fair as long as it is not done with children – and not by force. Consenting adults.

In love: “Whatever works.”

References:
Erich Fromm: The Art of Loving (Die Kunst des Liebens, German)
Alexander Lowen: Love, Sex and Your Heart (Liebe, Sex und Dein Herz, German)
Steve Biddulph: The Making of Love (Wie die Liebe bleibt, German)
Paul Watzlawick: The Situation Is Hopeless, But Not Serious: The Pursuit of Unhappiness (Anleitung zum Unglücklichsein, German)
Gerti Senger: Alles Liebe (German)

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